1. |
in a pinch
01:37
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Oh Glory
Oh Glory
You must be hiding from me
‘Cause I’ve been looking up and down
I probably searched the worst places I could reach to find you
Or nothing at all
Why don’t we feel safe in our own skin?
When the light hits, is it real?
Is it warm?
Is it true?
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2. |
rag doll
04:48
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sweetheart, you make me feel evil
feel the pressure compound as you’re sneaking around
telling lies
pretty lies
to every soul that you pass
and you say you’ll make it right but
i don’t think it’ll last one silent night
feel you in the frigid north where
i can’t see past my nightmares
i know that i can’t stay here
‘cause i’m not thinking clearly
why did you touch me like that?
push me down onto my back flat?
i know i said that i could sleep like that
but that was then
way back when
when i was your rag doll
when this broke
you swore and i tiptoed
you hid your face, i crept out slow
he reached to me with his deepest sympathies
exploiting my sensitivity
that isn’t empathy baby
and so i cut if off and wrote down everything you wanted to know
somehow everything was coming up roses
but everything decomposes eventually
a clean break, it’s all i ever wanted
but i was mistaken when his hands grasped my frame again
i am not your rag doll
and you can’t make this my fault
i was damn near out the door when i got stonewalled
you said you didn’t mean to
it means nothing at all
you “didn’t mean to” means nothing at all
you “didn’t mean to” means nothing at all
when you shook me like a rag doll
i am not your rag doll
you said you didn’t mean to
it means nothing at all
you “didn’t mean to” means nothing at all
you “didn’t mean to” means nothing at all
i am not your rag doll
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3. |
misery (makes you dance)
03:50
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Can you call numb a feeling?
Can I go on without believing in anything?
They say “it can’t be good if it doesn’t make you sad”
I think it’s ludicrous, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m
Swimming with my demons
And they comfort me
Misery loves company
They comfort me
Misery loves company
If I parade my misery
Spill my self-loathing selfishly
Will you be scared for me?
Oh, it doesn’t make a difference to me
I’m bruised and bloodied, guilty, shamed
I’ll let you rip my heart out like it’s a game
oh, it doesn’t make a difference to me
As long as it makes you dance
I tend to romanticize an afterlife only when I want to die
Must be the pressure of existence that makes me wary of a deeper dive
Into a blackness, a stagnace
Where you tie my limbs tight beneath the cold ground I’m sleeping under
When my time comes
Will I still be so fearful of what happens after it is done?
If I parade my misery
Spill my self-loathing selfishly
Will you be scared for me?
Oh, it doesn’t make a difference to me
I’m bruised and bloodied, guilty, shamed
I’ll let you rip my heart out like it’s a game
But it won’t make a difference to me
As long as it makes you dance
When my slow dance with death ends
And the maggots come to eat my limbs
What will be left of me then?
But a rotten mess of repressed insecurity
From everytime I had to feign stability
For the people who need me
Ain’t that the cost of loving?
So I’ll parade my misery
Become a walking mockery
Of what it means to be
“Happy” living in a “free world”, honey
I’ll dig myself a living grave
And stay in bed for three straight days
Oh, it doesn’t make a difference to me
As long as it makes you dance
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4. |
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If it’s all gonna burn down
Don’t see the point in waiting for it
Just waiting around for it now
Are you waiting around for it now?
Waiting around for it now
I feel it heat up and it brings my spirits down
I get so anxious just
Waiting around for it now
Knowing it won’t pass
Like the seasons do
This is a new reality
A deadly seed waiting to bloom
So I’ll try not to hold my breath
But if I hold it, I can’t control it
It’s like there’s a tie between
My anxiety and my lungs
Oh they’re deeply in love
So just punch me in the gut
So I can separate them
Stay awake and conscious enough
To get up off my kitchen floor
Take a deep breath, deep breath and
Drink a glass of water
It gets hotter and I can’t ignore
This looming dread
What a piss poor excuse to
Pity myself
Isolate
And ultimately
Stay in bed
Stay in bed
I fear you’ll speak up just to tear me down
I get so anxious wondering if I’ve made a fool of myself
But why would you fake it if you don’t want me around?
What shitty lies we tell ourselves
When we are recovering from scars
Dead weight on our hearts that make it
Hard to trust and restart
Someone said to me recently
“Love, you don’t always have to be on guard”
But if I let down the walls I’ve built around
There will be nothing to keep you from taking advantage of me
And the stains on my heart and my brain
So just punch me in the face so I can
Snap back to a cooler mood, but stay frustrated
By my utter lack of faith and my
Constant
Blatant
Fear of being replaced by someone who never makes mistakes
I’m stuck in my head
What a piss poor excuse to
pity myself
isolate
and ultimately
stay in bed
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5. |
worms4brainz
02:04
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I forgot to eat today
For like the 4th time this week
I pushed away one of the 3 things my body needs
To feel completely sane
I stayed up too late on Tuesday
Haven’t been drinking enough water lately
Been having coffee for like 6 square meals a day
But the caffeine just don’t cut it like it used to
It just quickens my blood
You called me up to ask about my day
Then you asked if I ate today
And all that I could think to say was
Oh, I’ve got worms for brains
They control the part of me that swears it’s always missing something
I can’t put nothin’ on my plate when there’s too much on my plate
How will I be present when my body wastes away again?
“No, like, literal worms. like, i was just chillin’ one day and a bunch of maggots came and ate my brain… and now they live there. it’s actually kind of funny when you think about it, like the visual… like literal worms for brains.”
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6. |
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I caught you taking pictures off the walls
Tearing out the pages I wrote for you
The sentimental really never meant shit to you
So let’s go over it over again
Until I’m over it
Over again
Let’s go over it over again
Until I’m over it
How many times will you break my heart?
And will I let you reset the cycle from the start?
We could have so much fun
The way we used to do
Jumping into the quarry and forgetting our shoes
That rusty bike, with the muddied frame
Stares back with the dead eyes of the people we’ve been
I’ll still ask “How have you been?”
When I inevitably run into you
At the One Line again
I don’t really wanna talk this out
Ain’t shit to talk about
Yeah I could go without another talk about your doubts
Wanna fix it but we don’t know how
Talkin’ bout it since we found out
Yeah you talkin’ way too much
I think you fakin’ now
I think it’s time we really faced it
I ain’t got time to be complacent
I just spend all my time complaining
You used to be my motivation
Runnin circles round my head
Thinkin’ bout the shit you said
Yeah, I thought I was your friend
Was that just me playing pretend?
All the shit I put you on
Disrespected me too long
Now I think I want you gone
Yeah, I want you gone
‘Cause I can’t go over it over again
Until I’m over it
Over again
So let’s not go over it over again,
‘Cause I’m still not over it
I still keep all of the letters you sent me
‘Cause I thought that one day they might bring me peace
They only leave me in pieces
So tell me
How many times will you
How many times will you
How many times will you
Break
Break
Break
My heart
How many times will you
How many times will you
How many times will you
Break
Break
‘Cause I can’t go over it over again
Until I’m over it
Over again
So let’s not go over it over again,
‘Cause I’m still not over it
How many times will you break my heart?
How many times will you
Break
Break
Break
My heart
How many times will you
How many times will you
How many times will you
Break
Break
Break
My heart
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7. |
get tuff
03:18
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I’m digging for fool’s gold
Out in the parking lot
But no one’s gonna catch me if they’re not trying
So just tell me when I gotta pick up, pick up
Call upon me, honeybee
I know that it’s tough
It’s tough, it’s tough
And if you gotta call back, do it fast
Can’t risk another communicative relapse
So I just won’t come around if you’re not asking me to
Do you, do you even realize how
This kind of conversation never helps a wall come down?
No family, no stake
No pool to dive in
What is my history?
What are the burdens of a disconnection?
I’m burdened by this disconnection
I hope loving is always easy
Even when life gets so hard
Through changing leaves and learning to be forgiving--Forgive me please
For the person I might be
And the places you might see
Within my mind
So I just won’t come around if you’re not asking me to
Do you, do you even realize how
This kind of conversation never helps a wall come down?
No family, no stake
No pool to dive in
What is my history?
What are the burdens of a disconnection?
I’m burdened by this disconnection
I won’t come around
And I won’t make a sound if you don’t ask me to
Oh, are you gonna ask me to?
And am I even deserving if I have no stake in this?
Or am I doomed to a life of disconnection?
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8. |
take it back
04:26
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Looking back on everything you promised me
I don’t feel that bad now just squeezing between
But I don’t want to die in a mismarked grave
I don’t want to find you were never really there for me
Still every time I try to speak up
You always push back
Then I take it back
You muffled my screams of inadequacy
Now it seems
Too late for you to redeem it
It seems too late for you and me
So why do I try? Do I try?
So why do I try? Do I try?
It seems too late for you and I
So why do I, do I try?
Push back
Why is it every time I speak up you just push back
And make me take back every word?
I just can’t do that
For you or anybody listening
Tell me, if you’re listening, then tell me why you always gotta push back
And break every stupid promise that you made back
When we first started? it was hard for me to see that
You won’t come through unless there’s something for you to gain
Push back
Destroying every single piece that I tried to hold back
Hold back from everyone
Now I see that my biggest mistake was ever letting you in
Why the fuck did I ever let you in?
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9. |
ex post facto
03:02
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Every morning I wake up and regret everything I’ve ever said or done
And then
Every night just for fun
I sabotage every interaction I’m part of
Again
It’s easier to be in the water when you start to bleed
When will I shut up and finally be kind to myself?
When will I get over wallowing in sickness and hell?
I think I finally found a way, it’s what they say
Gotta make some space for you to make a few mistakes
Suppose it ain’t always a reckoning
‘Cause once you travel far enough to see the start
From up on the mountaintop you’re standing on
You can clearly see the wounds left on the person you used to be
It’s easier to heal retroactively
When will I shut up and finally be kind to myself?
When will I get over wallowing in sickness and hell?
And will it be easy or will it feel like pulling teeth?
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10. |
there's nothing here yet
04:57
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I’ve been holding grudges
I’ve been making waves
Something’s rumbling
Pulling me back underneath
My strength it wains
My strength it wains
When the sky goes grey
My strength it wains
So I find myself asking why
These dreams still keep me up at night
And why I still want to die
‘Cause the thoughts so blue that make me sick
Still flood my brain and inhabit
The sleep I won’t get tonight
So I’ll cry all night
I won’t try to fight the tears that come
And I’ll try to not need anyone
So is this restful sleep or just depression napping?
Why is self-reflection always pressure mapping my
Self-destructive tendencies?
I can’t seem to shake ‘em
When every day it gets harder just to wake up
I might claim to have faith but it’s overreaching
And forcing me down to this unstable plane
Something changed, something changed
It broke my walls down
Then built them up ‘til I knew
I’d never break them down for you
But the weight you gave still holds me down
Still holds me
I’ll still be up all night
But this time I might find the light in me
We’ll see, maybe saving me
From my own frivolity could light a spark that sets me free
All I can really say for sure is that this cycle’s so draining
It’s draining me
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GET TUFF Lansing, Michigan
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